Investment or Waste of Money

It is times like these that I'm so glad I read the book Freakonomics.  Life makes so much more sense from an economist's perspective.


Back Story:

Before I married Randy, he told me that I wouldn't have to work if I didn't want to and he'd financially support me from day one.  We even talked about starting a family right away. Thus I thought since he was going to financially support me he would be ok to blow my savings on our wedding and a nice honeymoon.  I knew we wouldn't have a lavish life as he was still in Pharmacy school, but he assured me I had nothing to worry about and he would take care of us. And then when he graduated from Pharmacy School in two years he had a job secured back home and we'd be sitting pretty from there on out.  Boy, did I have my head in the clouds. As it turns out soon as I left him back in Sept it turns out that he couldn't even afford food or rent and had to go to the Bishop because even his parents were unable to help him out financially.  I can’t believe how naive I was.  I am soooo thankful that I didn’t let myself get knocked up. I don’t even want to think where I would be now.

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Things pop into our minds unannounced or unplanned at times and unfortunately they may take root before we are able to shake them. This past weekend I was thinking of having to pay taxes and how after that my saving account would be totally depleted. I was getting a bit frustrated as I dragged out my financial statements yet again and a calculator to figure out exactly how much money I wasted on wedding #3 and my honeymoon.  For over an hour I vented to my roommate about my annoyance. I dug through my files trying to figure out exactly where it went, like that would bring it back or something.  Well, I am happy to say that in the end I was able to make the lemons of this whole situations look a little like lemonade.  And I'm sorry if I'm boring you with this as I've probably blogged about this several times and will probably blog about it a million more as I do my best to engrain it into my head so I can find everlasting peace with the situation. 

So, here is my conclusion. If you look at it from a cost analyst perspective you can say it cost me X for a nutritionist and therapist who have changed my life. The reality is we all ask ourselves if you can really put a price on life? Ask anyone who has lost a loved one and they will say "NO," life is priceless, so if you look at it in that sense this was very small price to pay for my own sanity and physical well being. And I got to check one more thing off my bucket list, seeing the Eiffel tower and Stonehenge.

So, yes it would be nice to still have all that money in my bank account, but what good would it do to sit on a large pile of cash if I didn’t have my sanity or health.

I am a much happier and healthier person now then I have ever been. I am not saying I wasn’t happy earlier last year as I really was. I had a wonderful life and was living life to the fullest, but the reality is I have always struggled with Depression and Anxiety and maybe, just maybe I have found the reasons behind that with the help of my nutritionist(food allergies & thyroid problems). Finally my biggest struggles with Depression and Anxiety may be put to rest. They may never go away fully, but they may finally be under control more then they have ever been.

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End Note:

And that leaves me once again mourning the lost of what should have been, but in reality I’m realizing never was.  My next career move was supposed to be to Mother and Wife.  I wasn’t supposed to be looking for a new career. 

As I was driving to work this morning I got to thinking that maybe my career move to mother and wife will be here sooner then I think. Maybe I’m so busy focused on the past and what should have been that I’m not looking at what is, right in front of me.  I have this feeling that God works in mysterious ways and everything happens for a reason.  I needed to marry Randy to obtain the resources I needed to make me who I am today and in doing so has led me to where I am today.  I have this feeling that God had no intentions of me staying with him or starting a family with him, Randy was just a stepping stone to get me where I needed to be. Looking at it that way hopefully will help me to let go and move forward.  If I look at every person and experience as a stepping-stone in life and see myself continually progressing then it makes all of the less then happy experiences worth it.

I think my roommate’s philosophy of why we are on earth is correct. We were put here to help one another. And that is exactly what has happened in my life. I have had so many people come into my life and each of them has helped mold me to who I am today. With out every one of them I would not be the me that you see today. So thank you to all of you scum bags, to the people who have abused and hurt me in my life, it is because of you that I am who I am today.  As much as I want to hate and curse you and wished I never let you into my life I have to love you and thank you for helping me get to where I am today. With out you I would not be me.