In many of my blog posts I have talked about living today as if there is no tomorrow. I have worked hard at taking that to heart, but I realize that I haven’t done a good enough job. In the back of my mind I keep thinking that I’m only 35, so I have plenty of time to fulfill all of my dreams. The reality is our lives can be cut short at any time. Sometimes age and health are not factors in how long we will live. Sometimes God has other plans for us. We need to be ready to go with out warning.
You are probably wondering what brought this on. This morning I was informed that my girlfriend was diagnosed with cancer on Monday and was admitted to the hospital today. She starts Chemo on Thursday. Family and friends are hoping through faith and prayer and amazing new medical technology the treatment will work and either the cancer will disappear or go into remission so she will be able to live a long life. (To the left is a picture of her and her family. Her son isn't even a year old yet.)
She is not the only friend I have dealing with medical issues in her life. I have another girlfriend who is also my age dealing with medical issues. I also have several friends who have children who were born with various illnesses, diseases, etc that will shorten their lives so much that my friends will have to bury their own children before they ever reach adulthood. I can’t imagine giving birth to a child and finding out no matter how much you love them and care for them their lives will be cut short.
Then on Christmas I talked to another friend who’s parents just got on a plane to go back home. He was sad to have them go because he doesn’t know if he’ll ever see his dad again. I guess that makes me feel good that I took the time to visit my parents for Christmas and glad we took a family picture. Because what if this is that last Christmas we have together. You just never know.
In addition my boss is 77 and he was suppose to go on a cruise with his family over the holiday and a week before he was scheduled to leave he went to the doctor because he wasn’t feeling well. Unfortunately his doctor wouldn’t let him go on his vacation and I’ve barley seen my boss since he went to the doctor because he’s been feeling so awful. My boss has his good days and bad days, but I had no idea he was doing so poorly. Back in August he stopped driving, but I really didn’t think much of it because he has had some problems driving and I just thought it would be good for him to stay off the streets. I didn’t think he health would continue to deteriorate.
With that being said now what? What am I going to do different today?
I’ve been exercising everyday since last Thursday so that is a change. I’ve stopped putting that off.
I have e-mailed my mom all of my passwords so just in case I die tomorrow she can access all of my accounts.
I have updated my beneficiaries so if I do pass on my parents are back to inheriting everything. Not that I have a lot, but they will get what I have.
I’m going to start back writing my book. I realize that if I keep coming to work early I can stop working so late; I can get home at a decent hour and can spend a few hours before bed writing. I think I’ll start that today. There is someone out there waiting for this book to be published so I’d better get moving before it’s too late.
I’m going to love like I’ve never been hurt. Which isn’t easy because I’ve had my heart broken once too many times this past year.
I’m going to be more open and share more of myself with those around me. I have a tendency to be a total goof ball with some people and full of naughty jokes. And with other people I am all serious and not a lot of fun. I need to figure out a way to combine those two sides of me so people get the whole picture. I do have depth and I can be fun. I haven’t figured out a plan yet to mesh that, but I’ve got to work on that.
I’m going to let go of my fears that continue to hold me back. This is so much easier said then done. I have so many fears that prevent me from doing and feeling so many things in life. I haven’t traveled because of my fears of getting lost and just traveling alone in a foreign country. I don’t have any children due to my fear of postpartum depression and the fear of being a horrible mother. I don’t have my dog with me either due to fear or logic that it would stress me out. (Apartments and dogs aren’t a good fit.) I am not working in Corporate America due to my fear of failing and possibly the fear or logic that it’s not worth all the stress.
I did get over the fear of being on my own so I am stepping in the right direction. I live alone and I am financially supporting myself. So, that fear has been overcome. Now I just need to get over the other millions of fears I have.
Yesterday I was researching vacations and I found one that I really want to take. It’s a 10 day vacation in Bali with a Yoga instructor I met last year. I talked to one of the girls who went on one of her previous trips to Bali and she said it was the best vacation ever. The trip isn’t till October so I have plenty of time to get my passport and everything in order to go.
I had a weird conversation a while back with this guy that said logically there shouldn’t be all these unmarried people in the LDS Singles Scene. If we all believe the same thing and want the same things we should all just pair off and get married. That is the craziest thing I have ever heard a guy say. But if you think about it, there is some logic to it. I’m not saying that I’m going to run off and get married the day after tomorrow, but he does have a valid point. What if there really is no tomorrow? What if I only have 5 years left to live or even less? Maybe I should stop waiting for this guy to get his life together and maybe I should just hook up with someone that already has his life together. It’s just a thought. Don’t worry I’m not going to jump into another marriage. This time I am going to be head over heels in love with him, I’m going to find him totally hot, and we are going to have that spiritual connection that I had forgotten I wanted so much. So you can relax. It was just a bizarre conversation I had that kind of fit into this thought of life is short and we shouldn’t waste another minute. On the other hand I am one who wants all of her ducks in a row. But if you look at life this new perspective, then maybe it’s ok if one duck is out of place. Just a thought.
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