Letting go

I’ve been reading “The Best of Me,” By Nicholas Sparks. I’m not much of a romantic novel reader, but my friend who lives in Oriental told me about this book as it talks about his town.   Since he told me about his town this last October I’ve been eagerly looking forward to visiting him.  I’m a sucker for cute quaint towns.

This book is making me really questions love and marriage. As you know I’ve been married 3 times and none of them have really been for true love. I can say that now looking back. The first one was for convince, the second was to escape from the environment that I was living in and a mixture of my lack of self worth due to my struggle with depression. Number 3 on the other hand was supposed to be for love, but I realize now that was not the case. The thing is I have been truly and utterly in love once.   I loved so deeply and fully and would have given that man everything and followed him anywhere.  And he loved me just as much, but due to some personal issues he felt he was unable to give me everything he knew I deserved so as the saying goes “if you love something set it free,” that is exactly what he did, twice.   Not once did I ever stop loving him. As time went by he did become but a distant memory, but when he walked in to my life again it was as if no time had passed and I our love was just as strong.  It was as if we picked up just where we left off, then as quickly as he came into my life he disappeared once again. Leaving me heartbroken.  Husband number 3 knew a little of my love story and weaseled into my life, pulling at my heart strings, convincing me to let go move on and he would feel this void in my heart. I should have seen this red flag as I dated someone prior to him who tired to do the same thing. He on the other hand knew I didn’t love him, but didn’t care. He was willing to be with me even if I never loved him. Thankfully I did see the red flag there and kicked him out of my life, but for some reason I didn’t do that with Husband #3 till after we tied the knot. As they say 20/20 hindsight.

So, that brings me to now.  The reality is I’m not sure if I have or can ever fully let go of my one true love.  I have spent years, trying to analyze it, understand it, but still can’t fully grasp what happened and where to go from here. The saying “if you love them let them go” is so much easier said then done.  It’s hard to stop loving and longing for someone.

So, here I am still trying to move on, trying to piece my life together. Trying to figure out what it was that made our connections so special and if that love/connections can ever be duplicated. Can anyone else ever fill that void in my life and fill my heart like he did.  Can I ever give myself fully to someone?

There are some things I know right off that I need from a husband and can’t live with out. First on the list is I have to be physically attracted to him. No more of looking on the inside. I already did that and I need more this time and I deserve more. I work hard to look attractive so I want to be with some one else that does the same. And I’m not saying you have to be a gold trophy body builder, but I do have to find you physically attractive. After that I need someone who can take care of me both financially and emotionally. Now that is a challenge that isn’t easily tested.  No one wishes for trauma in their life, but I do I appreciate the trauma as it gives me a way to see if you can take care of my emotionally needs and I am aware that I have lots of them.  It’s easy to say yes, I can handle a situation, but the true test is being in the situation and how you act and or react.  Thirdly we have to have this special connection. It’s not something you can explain, it’s something that you experience and that I’m not sure if I can find or how to test. But, I do know it when I feel it. Last time it was almost upon arrival and I wish I could duplicate that experience as then I wouldn’t have to waste my time dating, but I have the feeling that this time it will take time and maybe a trial or two before we ever know if it’s there or not.  And maybe that is why God gives us so many trials, as it gives us an opportunity to bond on other levels.

So, let’s raise our glasses and say cheers. The journey continues.

I look forward to finishing my book to see how the story unfolds, maybe then I will have an idea of how my life might unfold. Will the love of my life return to me or will I finally be able to let go and move on.  I can’t keep living with the “what if.” It really needs to be put to rest, not out of sight out of mind, but really let go of.  I need to learn to love again.