Russian Roulette

I do my best to look at the glass half full, but it’s not an easy task. I just got an e-mail from my bank to let me know that my 2011 year end summer is now available online. I know I shouldn’t have looked at it as it would only piss me off, but I did. Curiosity killed the cat and it’s driving me bonkers.  So, I looked at my travel expenses for this last year and I know I shouldn’t have been surprised, but I am still in shock every time I think about it. I spent over ten grand on my trip with Randy.  And over a grand on therapy. I know I say it was a grand well spent as it showed me how crazy my husband was, but still if I never married him I wouldn’t have needed to spend a grand to tell me I married a total nut job.  I try my best not to bash my ex’s but. Seriously he really screwed with my head for around 5 months. After that I was able to get more control of my life and not let him totally control me, but if you look at from an economic perspective I paid over 10 grand to be abused. That is just sick. Seriously, people sign up in the military and get paid to go to war and take one for the team. I on the other hand paid good money out of my pocket to be used as target practice.  Looking at it now I think of all the things I could be doing with 10 grand. I could pay for my trip to Thailand and also go on the biking trip in Vermont through the company Backroads and see all those cute quaint bridges I’ve always wanted to see.  Yea, it wasn’t all a waste of good money. I did get to see Europe, so if I split that in half I only threw away like 6 grand, which still would have been more then enough to cover my trip to Thailand or Vermont.

I’m at a loss for ideas on how to recoup the money. If I could have I would have, but neither he or his family have any money.  It's not that I'm a greedy bitch and want to take him for all he's worth. That was proven when I left Josh. I walked away with virtually nothing. He kept his retirement and the house.  But, at least there I felt that I wasn't totally used for my money etc. We invested 10 years together and with came both joy and sorrow. We went on a ton of vacations and lived a nice lifestyle. But here it was differnt. I feel like a sunk a whole lot of money into a sinking ship.

Note to self never marry a poor guy. I’m not say I’m going to become a Gold Digger or anything it’s just that I sunk my money into a poor investment so to avoid possible regret next time I'd rather go into it 50/50 or he can back the investment upfront. All I'm saying is I don't have the dough to make the same mistake twice. Nor the stupidity.  I have learned from my mistakes and that is why I went to Bali and why I'm going to Thailand this year. Before I start throwing away my money I've worked soooo hard to come by, that I have literally scrimped and saved to hold on to I am going to use it on me first as I deserve it.

I went to my class at Weave last night and every time I go I’m in shock at how abusive Randy really was. While with him I made every excuse in the book for his behavior, took on lots of the blame.  The reality is he was sick and as much as his family appeared to help, they just enabled his behavior. According to his mom, he was great and there was no reason he should have to change.  I’m way too much of a loving and kind person that likes to help, but there has to be boundaries and it is not my place to break the news to her that her son was an abusive husband and needs help.  The reality is she will just deny it and blame it on me and that is how it usually goes with abusive men. Their family will do all they can to protect them and place the blame on those that they abuse.  I’m happy to say that I’m nearly out of this sick demented family.

Now the goal is to not make the mistake again. Not to be sucked into another sick family that will beat me down and drive me to want to kill myself. 

As much as I want to have my own family I’m worried that I won’t be able to bring them up in a healthy, happy, loving home. I fear making the same mistakes my parents made. And I know this many people’s fear. They try to hard to make up for how they were raised and swear never to make the same mistakes, but in the end some how history seems to repeat it’s self in many ways.

I hope to find that husband one day that is strong, loving and kind and together we can write our own story.  The thing is before the kids come we will talk and theorize about how we want things to be different, but the true test is can we really put what we know that is right into practice?

I’m hoping that since I’m starting a family later in life I will have the maturity, patience, and knowledge necessary to bring up a family in a loving home environment.

It’s also weird to think that after working 36 years on not trying to have a family I’m actually going to be working on trying to have a family.  So much has changed.  I’m putting my faith in god that if I am able to bear children that I will have the ability to bring them into a loving home and I will be able to provide them everything they need to grow up to be fully functional members of society.

At times I kind of chuckle to myself as it’s kind of like a game of Russian Roulette. You do all you can and the rest is left up to the Gods.