Last night I was looking at job openings and filling out applications. It was all so overwhelming and it continues to overwhelm me. This is not where I thought I'd be right now. I should be happily married and starting my next career as a mother. But, for some strange reason God has other plans for me. So, here I sit, trying to piece my life together. Mourning what should have been and trying to let what is be. Not an easy task. I keep telling myself I might as well make this career move as I don't know when or if I'll ever have that family and make the career move to motherhood. I might as well build my savings back up so I can obtain those material things I desire, even thought they really aren't that important to me when I look at the big picture, but at least it gives me something to work towards. It's those not so important material goals that gets me out of bed in the morning and off to work. You, may not be able to buy happiness, but you can buy stuff to occupy your time while you work on your other goals in life. So, unless something changes I will continue to work towards my goals of going to Thailand in Oct and buying the Tiffany Jewelry I've been coveting when the divorce is final. In addition for my own piece of mind I'd really like to build my savings back up. It's really killing me not having that extra cushion.
In addition to mourning my loss of what should have been, yesterday in the mail I received back some more papers from Randy that I am hoping are to the courts liking. I e-mailed them to him last week to fill our and return to me. Then this morning I talked to my lawyer to see if they could figure out exactly what the courts think I'm missing. We think after reviewing Randy's tax returns that he really doesn't qualify to wave his fees so I had to proceed to text him and request that he bring me a check for $395 so I can turn it into the court with the returned paperwork. Having to interact with him and meet up with him makes me anxious and puts me on edge and I'm feeling a bit emotional at this time.
Sadly my boss hasn't been feeling well so he didn't come in yesterday and I doubt he'll make an appearance today. That doesn't make me very happy. Yes, I have work to do, but I care for him and it sucks when you don't feel good. My current project consists of sorting thorough his art pictures. That is where I came across these pictures. It's hard to believe that back in 2006 I was an artist showing in a gallery. My life was so different back then. I wasn't stressing about money and when I was getting paid or how I would be able to afford this or that. My priorities were different back then. My life consisted of running a household, taking care of yard and making a few extra bucks on the side so we could afford to go on our annual vacations.
I have to say I've enjoyed the change of roles and being the renter verses the owner. It's nice to not have to think about a yard that over the years has been an emotional drain on me. It's nice to wake up to and then come home to someone that isn't angry and that smiles a lot. I'm really loving the new environment I am in. We are still working on coming up with our routiens. For now we are just living day to day trying to keep above water. He's in the process of changing jobs so his routines is all off kilter as he is training new people and then he used to go to they gym all the time but, he hasn't quite healed from snowboarding so that's been on hold. Some how I'd like to schedule in going to the gym and sewing. But that has been on hold due to I've been so tired due to my allergies and just running around with my head cut off as I try to get this divorce processed, try my best to wow my boss daily to remind him I'm invaluable and deserve a raise, try to get a new job, spend time with friends, go to church, read to better myself, cook, laundry, sleep, go to work, and get moved in and unpacked. Yes, I know I moved in Dec 9th but, I still have a ton of stuff at Josh's and my parent's house.
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