Sleeping with the Enemy

I think we all have cherished the moment the “enemy” has fallen asleep and just looked at them in awe, at their angelic face, hoping to hold onto that moment just a little longer.  I use the word “enemy” loosely here. It can be that rambunctious puppy that spent his/her day eating your favorite pair of Jimmy Cho shoes, shredding your pillow, eating your remote, and or peeing on your bed.  It can be your teenager that just crashed your car, got a F in Art, ran up your phone bill, lost their cell phone, didn’t do their chores, or just talked back to you one too many times today.  It can be your 2 year old that just kept asking you why, threw a temper tantrum in the supermarket, or who colored on the wall.  It could be your newborn baby that just wouldn’t stop crying, throwing up and had so many blowouts today you lost count.

For me the enemy was my alcoholic ex-boyfriend. He’d get drunk nearly every night and would say awful things to me.  For a long time I had no idea it was due to he was drunk. At first I thought it was due to his ADD medication had worn off.  So, he changed his medication. For a little bit things got better.  I am no doctor so I really don’t know the true cause of his bad behavior. I could be a combination of the medication wearing off and the alcohol.  Or it could be the mix of alcohol and medication or just too much alcohol.  In reality the why doesn’t really matter.

I remember those nights when he’d fall asleep and I’d just lay there awake for hours snuggling up to him, holding him close hoping that moment wouldn’t end.  So, many night’s tears would just flow freely.  It wasn’t that I was sad per say, but I was just finally relaxed.  I knew that soon as he fell asleep with the aid of his cocktail of alcohol, Benadryl, and sometimes melatonin that he’d be out for good and I was safe.

I don’t miss being mistreated.  But I do miss having someone to snuggle up with at night.  Having someone to hold me in their arms to comfort me and to make me feel safe and secure.  There is no substitute for having that warm body next to you at night.  I realize now that that what I had at night was a fantasy.  It would only last a few hours before the nightmare would start all over again.  That puppy would wake up and probably eat another remote, the child will have another tantrum, and baby will wake up and continue the routine of eating and pooping yet another day.  But we will always cherish and hold on to those few minutes of bliss.

One day I know that that fantasy I used to hold onto at night will one day become a reality.  One day I will marry a man that will respect and love me and treat me with kindness.   Till then I’ll be going to bed at night a bit frustrated.  I now understand why single people have pets and sleep with them. I’m thinking that maybe I should get my own place so Belle and I can live together. She still won’t be sleeping with me at night, but at least we can cuddle on the couch together and watch a movie.